I'm having serious issues. I see Carmen everywhere. I close my eyes in the shower *BAM * Carmen. I check my myspace *BAM* Carmen. I check my facebook *BAM* Carmen. Everywhere, it's Carmen, Carmen, Carmen.

Every five minutes someones posts a bulletin about Carmen. If they had a picture with her, *BAM* that's their default picture. She's everywhere.  

And EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.  I see her picture or a picture of her, or someone talks about her, or posts stuff about her, I cry a little bit. Because it's like, she's gone. She's never coming back. I wont see her at WalMart, or at a football game. I wont see her at the park, or driving downtown. She's, gone.

And it kills me. And no one in this fucking house understands. Because they didn't know her. And they act like I shouldn't be upset, and that I should just be fucking cheery all the time. But I can't be happy, and I can't be cheery, and I can't not cry, because I miss her. I miss her alot, and everyone just assumes that I don't. And that makes me even more upset. And I've been in a pissy mood because of it. It's like I can't do anything without someone having something to say about it this week. And it's hella annoying. I have no privacy where ever I go and so someones always commenting about how they keep seeing me crying. But they keep seeing me crying because I haven't had a chance to just sit down and bawl my eyes out because my friend is gone.  She's gone and she isn't coming back and I MISS her.  

A friend of mine passed away today.
Rest in Peace Carmen Leann Howell.
You will be missed

ate burger king last night.
yeah everyone got sick. Jen, mom, and Lauren all got upset stomach, and my acid reflux flared hardcore. >.> i say they got food poisoning.
Got Christmas presents for Becca, Corey, Tommy, Nick, Boo, and Chris. I picked them all out. :D Go me. Lets just hope they like it.
Going to the grocery with mom later. And helping my g'ma with her research paper.
Other than that no plans for today.

Finals next week. I'm going to be killed. D:

strange dream last night.
it starts out and i'm in the hospital cause i'm having a baby. apparently i've been there for like four hours and my husband isn't there. well the husband *cough*julian*cough* finally shows up and i'm totally screaming at him for not being there and as i'm screaming i'm having contractions so i keep gripping his shirt really tight and he keeps saying 'i'm sorry baby my manager wouldn't let me leave, but please dont rip my shirt its one of my only good ones' and well after he says this like five times i'm just like 'god just go change your fucking shirt and get back in here so your kid can rip my vagina to pieces'
while he's gone i grab my cell phone and call his work and ask for his manager and i'm like 'alright listen bitch, when someone calls and says that julian rivera's wife is in the hospital you better let his ass leave right then. if i found out you make him wait i'll come over there and murder you, you son of a bitch' and hang up.
well then julian comes back and i'm start crying and i'm like 'i'm sorry baby, i didn't mean to yell at you' and he holds me and we both cry and i'm like 'its just hurting so bad, and this kid is going to rip my vagina to pieces and i'm so scared' and he's all 'its gonna be all right, shh shh shh, it'll just hurt now and then it'll be over' and i'm like 'no, no it wont. cause i'll have to get stiches and it'll hurt for days'

and then i push the kid out and i woke up with my vagina hurting.

yeah. strange.

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of four years in a nice restaurant. When she said yes, the entire restaurant stood up and applauded.

We're both women.

Understanding of true love GMH.

This like this give me hope too.
That the worlds won't always be as hypocritical and senseless as it is now.

Also, this isn't my story. I got it off of GivesMeHope.
Just thought I'd share that with people.

Yeah, so I left my house at like 1:00ish. to go to walmart for black friday. it was me, jennifer, bethany, cadie, lauren, my mom, and donna.
and like i hate really big crowds so i was a bit apprehensive about going. but it turned out to be okay because when i felt like i was gonna have a mini panic attack, i didnt! because i was talking to julian practically the entire time i was there.
my mom was beast though. she was like 'when they cut this tape, ya'll just need to stay back cause we were here first and ya'll know it.' and like yeah. she yelled at the guy who didnt want to let us get our laptops. it was epic. <3 my mom for that.
and OHMAN. so we get in our car after getting our stuff and we go line up to get to the back cause thats where you had to get the laptops, and like a bunch of people in jeeps and trucks start like forewheeling in the parking lot yo. they like went over the bumps that like have dirt and stuff on them. it was funny as shit.
and it completely made my day. :D


now i'm sitting on my computer waiting on my boyfriend to get home and call / text me before i go to bed.

So, it's 6 in the morning. And Julian wants me to make a livejournal entry.
I really haven't got anything to say, cause well, my brains a bit shit right now.
We've been talking for like, I don't even know how long. I'm fairly certain that we've beaten the 9 hours though. Yeah.

I'm going to stop typing now. Cause I really haven't got anything to say.

Julian's a meanie who makes fun of me. :/

And like's Hannah Montana's body. BAHA

Man oh man.
Can you say addicted? I've been playing the Sims 3 the last couple of days, non-stop. I'm such a geek. :D

Completely missed that meteor thing the other night. I woke up at like 2ish, walked outside and it was like *CLOUDS* everywhere. So yeah, didn't get to see any of that.

Broke up with Jack forever ago. But, well, actually I don't think I even posted that I was dating him. Ohwell, guess what LJ friends? I had a boyfriend.... but then I broke up with him. We only dated like 4 days. Go us! Er, not really. He turned out to be an odd one. Nipped that one in the bud.

New Moon comes out Friday. Yeahhhhhh, bet all you Twilight whore's are excited for that one. Actually.. I'm not gonna lie, this movie actually looks like it might be good. I'm going to go see it Saturday. Prob w/ Ronnie. Cause he's the only one I know who wont freak out and be like 'OMG EDWARD!!!!' or 'OMG JACOB!!!!!' I want to actually SEE the movie not hear the insane girls screaming.. which i'll probably hear anyway. Ohwell.

Hmm, what now.
Did you guys read that psychoanalysis? It was pretty sweet. It said Julian is the most important person in my life. He's like fairly amazing. So it's pretty cool that he's 'the most important person in my life'. I can't wait til this summer. I wish it would hurry up and get here. *look there Julian, I mentioned you xD*

And yea. I haven't got anything else to say.

I'm having conflicting thoughts. Relationship wise, anyway. I like Matt, but I don't know if I want to date him or not because I don't want it to end up like last time. I told him we'd hang out a couple of times and we'd see what happened. But we haven't hung out yet and he's already acting like we're back together. He texts me constantly. 
And then I've got Jordan telling me that he might not get back with Devan and that he is jealous that I'm talking to Matt. And of course he, 'might want to be with me'. I can't tell if he's just saying that because now I'm talking to someone else and he doesn't get all of my attention, or if he really does want to be with me.
But that isn't even the worse part. As if 2 guys wasn't confusing enough, I have to like Julian too. >.> I mean, out of the 3 of them, Julian definitely wins. He's perfect for me. We have loads in common, but enough differences that we don't clash. I even talked to him for NINE hours the other day. NINE HOURS. If you know me, then you know this is a miracle. You're probably thinking, well why don't you go for him Rachael? I'll tell you why. Because he lives all the way in Cali. Gay as crap. If he lived here I'd be all over him. But no, he has to live in Cali. >.>


It's been a rough couple of days. I'm hardcore sick right now. Killer headache, throats sore and swollen, I have practically no voice, and I'm feeling very weak. It's gay as crap. Because its midterm week so I've had 50 million things to do.
But alas. I'm going to lay down.
I've got a Halloween Slumber Party at my house tomorrow. I hope I feel better.

So here's what's been happening lately.
Jordan, the guy I've been talking to for a month, tells me that he thinks we're better as just friends. Majorly weak, I know. Then I start talking to my ex, Matt, and we're in that stage of possibly getting back together. I'm really just wanting to hang out a couple of times before I make any decisions with him because I don't want it to end up like last time.
Well, I feel like really confused. Here's why: Met this awesome guy named Julian. We have loads in common, but there's enough differences that we wouldn't clash. Plus he is majorly adorable. Problem? I don't know him that well, and he lives in California. I always like the ones that are too far away. >.>

But other than that, I'm having a halloween party this weekend. Co-ed Slumber Party. We'll see how that goes.
But yeah, that's whats going on.

yeah this made me cry alot.
getting internet yelled at hurts just as much as getting yelled at in person apparently.

jordan says:

if your gonna fucking put me on for years that you dont like me and shit, and when i finally find a half ass decent girl that i REALLY FUCKING like
i hear you like me wtf am i supposed to do? me knowing you longer doesnt change a damn thing iv hung out with her a hell of alot more than i have with you you dont even sound as interested as much as you say you do on here
atleast she shows that she likes me
....
and now our relationship is in hell
(i told you im bi-polar, and now you get to witness it...
,,,,,now what?

guys can seriously be the stupidest people ever.

jordan says:

yea
i think me and you should wait a lil bit...

leahcar says:

okay

jordan says:

cause
i want to be with youand i do want a 'long term' relationship with you
but i dont think i could handle one atm

leahcar says:

okay

jordan says:

cause im still trying to get away from devan
and i dont want it to interfer with anything

leahcar says:

okay

jordan says:

get me?

leahcar says:

mhm

jordan says:

gonna be ok?

leahcar says:

maybe

jordan says:

you better! ;]
dunno what i would do without you =Dwhat am i supposed to do with that?

i've been saying for years that paul loves me
now i have proof!

Paul?:

rachael I've been meaning to say this to you for sometime

Paul?:

your eyes

Paul?:

when I look into them

Paul?:

I see my destiny, staring back at me.

Paul?:

you've always been the one for me.

Paul?:

I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU RACHEL ROSE HAMMACK

Paul?:

I WILL CUT OUT MY EYES IF 'TWOULD ONLY MAKE YOU SMILE